May 9, 2020
From the sound of doors to an unwanted breeze through the windows, everything can be a trigger.
Often, I find myself in a confused state. Why is this happening? It is a mere door opening and closing, mere wind coming through the windows and it cannot be stopped. It’s just the sound of some people talking. Then why, do these mere unavoidable happenings make me so angry that I start spilling tears without even wanting to?
Maybe I am the weird one, after all.
Within seconds, I go from laughing to crying at the smallest of things. Things that might not even have anything to do with me. But other times, I’m completely fine.
Initially when I caught onto this behaviour of mine, I was bamboozled to say the least. However, over the years I came to realize that drowning out the outside world was a solution that stopped me from reacting to a trigger.
Till this day, I don’t know why this happens. But what I do know is that the music blasting through my earphones prevents it from happening.
Maybe that is why everytime I sense a trigger, I immediately plug my earphones in lest I am too late. The voice blasting through the earphone drowns out the voice in my head, reacting to the triggers and speaking to me like the Devil out to destroy all semblance of sanity.
Music is my foolproof safety net against the world, second to none. It is my coping mechanism.
But what am I trying to cope with?
I don’t know. My strange reactions to things that may not even be related to me? The fact that I cry and get angry at random things and I hate this side of myself?
I still remember various incidents. One of them being on a certain day in April of 2020. My mother had entered my room to get her clothes. It was fine the first time, but the second time she entered and left, I got so angry I couldn’t stop myself crying as soon as she went out. It was her coming into my personal space for a second time, on top of the banging of the door when she left that triggered me. But why did these make me angry? Maybe it was because I just wanted to be angry and sad and I found a reason to be. Or perhaps it was because I was already angry at something else and she was the trigger.
Lashing out at myself never helps. It makes matters even worse. And yet, constantly I have found myself doing the exact thing I preach against to others.
But how many of us can really say that we have never lashed out at ourselves at least once in our lives? A rare few, I can say.
But no matter how twisted we are, there’s always a coping mechanism. There’s always something available that can drown out the voices driving us to the verge of our emotions. Something that you can fall back on when you lose your balance. Anything ranging from exercise to hobbies can be a guardian to you. It’s only the decision that you take. Make the right choice and choose the better protector. A protector that will not harm you in the process like drugs, drinking, and cigarettes can.
For me, my protector just happens to be the music blasting loudly in my ears.
For now, my mental health is a mystery that not even reading Sherlock Holmes will help me crack.
But there is no lack of hope even if it may seem lost for a second there. Perhaps one day, I’ll be able to figure myself out with the help of music too.
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